The year 2015. I saw a saying today that said, " If you knew where you would be now at this time last year, what advice would you give yourself?" To eloquently put it....uhhhhh, not a clue. Is has been the most emotional year in all of my adulthood. May not seem that long to some, but it's my life so far. I have no idea what advice I could give myself for what happened this year. I'm talking about leaps-of-faith-emotional...faith-testing-emotional...the kind of emotional where you can either get bitter, or you can just trust God has a bigger plan. I know I have found God more this year than I ever have. Sometimes I got away from Him and focused more on people, and pleasing them. Even when I thought I was pleasing God, sometimes I was truly pleasing people. It's easy for me to want to do that. It's in my nature to be peaceable. When I got everyone out of my head, and focused on God, searching for HIM...Truth...He became more clear than I've ever seen Him. A unity between my husband and I formed. God was leading our family, together. Then we made decisions. Tough decisions...but looking back on it now, God gave us grace. I always knew He had a purpose and a plan for our lives. And lots of times I doubted Him. I felt stuck. But there is so much freedom with my relationship with God, because I'm not bound by what MAN thinks. It's just me and Him. No one else. I don't let other people's judgement get to me like I used to. I'm nowhere near perfect, so I would lie if I said it never bothers me. But He's helped me with that. He has things for me that someone else would never understand, because it's not for them! He's God. He can do that!! Friendships have ended, been torn, been mended, been made...Relationships have been tested. Bitterness has crept in. And I've seen it disappear. Thank God! I don't deserve anything, but God has been so good. He's had us take some hard steps this year, and I am so thankful! Even though I didn't like the anxiety and emotional torment, I knew we were doing the right thing. He has given my family a new family, that has done some healing, without even knowing. But God knows. He knew what He was doing. This is my life, and I don't want to waste it. I want to be a light. I know I struggle. I'm human. I say things I shouldn't. I do some things that aren't the best. But this year, especially toward the end, I've really tried to build up some guts and get out of my comfort zone. I want to be kind to people and make them feel like they are worth something. I want to treat them the way I want to be treated. I want people to feel like they can talk to me. I want to be a good listener. I want to work on these things this  new year. I have downfalls. But I'm going to try to root out negativity, and focus on the good things. God has done so much. And things could be SO much worse. I can't help but breathe out a, "Thank you, Jesus," whenever I think about my girls being healthy, or whenever our house is warm and it's freezing outside. So after all that...I feel like my year started right before the summer. Besides feeling like this has been the year of discovering my eyebrows, there's been a lot of big stuff  happen.
To name a few, I became a photographer, a Stella & Dot stylist, and a preacher's wife. Say what!! And it has been incredible...God has been blessing, and I am so thankful. I feel like health is one of the most important things we can have. And I have been taking Plexus for almost a year. I want to say I don't know where I would be without it, but I know all too well. It is literally making my life livable. I am able to function and take care of my little girls because of Plexus. It was so hard to before. I never want to go back to that miserable life. I am so very thankful!!!
I have been looking back on this last year so much lately. God has graciously put some things out of my mind, and I've moved on from a lot of things. I'm so looking forward to this new year. No crazy resolutions for me. I'm just going to keep trying my best at the life God has given me and my family.

A letter to my girls 💕

Dear darling girls,

I want you to know that I want you. I always have. I always will. No matter what. It may sound silly for you to hear that, but some mothers don't want their children. 

I have wanted you since before I knew you were being created in me. I may have been scared when I found out I was having a baby (or another baby), but you better believe there was excitement...like a dream come true.

Before I had you, I was determined to be the mom to you that my mom was not to me. I wanted to give you the things she didn't give to me. I still want to. Now that I have you, I realize I don't even have to try, really. You make my life so happy. I thank God for the both of you! You bring joy to my life that I never ever ever knew I could have. 

I don't deserve you.

I don't want you to ever have to feel unloved. I want you to only imagine it (if you ever want to). 

I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be right here for you. Whatever you need...

I love you with all my heart, Josie and Harper.

Love, 

Your Momma 💘

Happy 5 years

Friday, May 22 was our fifth anniversary! During those five years, we have lived in three different places, had two children, went through some college, went to two churches, made new friends, lost some old ones...We have practically "grown up" together in the last five years.

Life can be extremely difficult when you worry about pleasing everyone. Because, that's impossible. God is first. He is the only one who really should be concerned about pleasing. Then the rest will fall into place. 

Lately I have been emotionally exhausted. We have been going through a lot. Just because God puts you through something, doesn't mean it's not going to be hard. He won't give you something that you're not able to handle. 

Luke and I have been there for each other. I feel like he has been there more for me than I have for him. In a marriage, you have to work hard and try, even when you don't feel like it. Luke is trying to teach me that. Even after five years, I am still learning...and I'll keep learning. After all, we are changing. Seems like very frequently. A lot of times for me, after a long day with the kids, I don't have any energy left to converse and take care of Luke. And that's where I need to try harder. But yet, he still treats me so sweet. He is always teaching me. Even when I'm being horrible (oooh yessss I can be horrible) lol, he shows me how much he cares about me. I love his soft side. He's just incredible. I am so glad it's him. I can't imagine not having him to lead me through life. It scares me sometimes thinking about, "What if it was someone else going through this with me?" #1 We probably wouldn't be going through some of the things we have been through, and #2 I guarantee you, I wouldn't have the peace and joy I feel inside.

On Friday, our anniversary, I knew something was off that day. I was getting stressed out, because things weren't going the way I had planned. But we got through the day, and we were supposed to travel to Tennessee late that night.

I knew something wasn't right as the night went on. The next morning, we packed up, and we left for Tennessee. I felt so drained and lightheaded. I was so not up for this. I was so on edge. Every little thing seemed to set me off. I was bleeding very heavily Friday night, into Saturday morning. I knew it was NOT normal. I didn't want to say anything to Luke, because I felt like I needed to wait. Finally, after we made a stop for lunch, I came back from the bathroom and got in the van. I said to Luke,

 "I'm miscarrying."

 He said, "What?" Almost like he wanted to make sure he heard me right. I said it again, but this time I couldn't hold the tears back. I think it's something that you never think will happen to you. All I can really remember is Luke saying that he loved me. That kept echoing though my head..."I love you, Autumn." And he held my hand. 

We did not know we were expecting. Whether it was an "accident" or not, we were still going to have a baby. Something in me feels like some people think, just because the pregnancy wasn't announced first, that it is not as big of a deal. I'm not talking about length of time in the womb. I'm talking about knowing before the miscarriage. The end result would still be a baby in my arms. 

After five years, after ups and downs, Luke is even more loving and caring toward me. And I am so thankful.  I am so thankful to have him. I'm so thankful he's mine. 

Luke, if you read this, know that I love you with all my heart. 💕

Mother Like Mine (Part 3)

Seems like when I am really low, I can reach down into the deep, hurting parts of my heart and pull those emotions right out. I've been a little transparent with how I've been feeling lately. It's just a time in my family's life that we have to go through. Honestly, it sucks. I really wished things could just be easy. But a lot of times, God makes us go through hard things for a reason. And I know we will be thankful for it.
In case you think I have given up on writing about my mom, you're wrong. Lol Sorry! I feel like I have to be at a certain spot emotionally to write about this. It's really not easy. I don't just want to state facts. I want to tell a story. And tell a story I shall....
Friday, August 10, 2007. Kim (my step-mom now) took my sister and some friends to her friend's gorgeous river house about an hour away. That place was like something out of a magazine right on the river. My friends and I swam in the river, laid out to tan on the dock, watched a movie, and had a BLAST!!! It was such a fun day!! The day before, Thursday, I was at my dad's work when my mom came in to the dealership. I hadn't really heard from her or seen her in a long time. I remember sitting on the couch when she walked in. She was happy to see me. I wasn't too sure if I was equally happy to see her. I was just kind of curious why she was there. She was all smiles and told me she missed me and she was so happy to see me. I was pretty calm and just nice to her. Not thrilled to see her exactly. She told me she had plans to go to a friend's house Friday night and go swimming and just hang out. She was pretty excited. Then she went on to tell me how sorry she was for everything. She apologized for her abuse of pain medication. She apologized for not being there for me always. She apologized for leaving. She apologized for how she treated me. She apologized for not making better choices. She knew what she did. She told me how much she loved me, and she said one day hopefully I would understand and forgive her. I was kind of thrown off by all the sincerity in her eyes and voice. I did forgive her. But I thought maybe this was just her apologizing again to get me to like her. She had several times before through letters to me. Something was different though. She gave me a huge hug. It was a little longer than most hugs, and I hugged her back. There was something about feeling her body in my arms...my mother...for the last time. I didn't know that, but I felt something different. That embrace felt so right. As if all my bad feelings toward her left my body, and all her motherly love flooded into my heart. I tried to hold back tears after I saw her tear-filled eyes. She smiled really big with her thin lips. And it was so loving. That afternoon she talked to my dad too. I waited on the couch in the waiting area while they were in his office. I wondered what she had to say to him, and why she felt the need to say it right now. He later told me she apologized to him too. I don't remember everything he told me she said. But then just like that, she left the building.
The next morning we headed off to the river house. There was hardly any reception where we were, so I had no reason to look at my phone all day, really. Later that night, I saw that a couple of calls from my mom didn't come through. I had voicemail from her, so I stepped outside to listen to it. I didn't bother trying to call her back. Oh how I wish I would've. She told me in the voicemail message that she hoped I was having fun (because I told her our plans for that day). She talked on about school coming up and really unimportant things. She told me, "I love you so much baby girl." And when it was over, I deleted it. I wish to God I hadn't. I remember swimming in the river with my friend that day, and we were talking about how awful it would be to drown. Seemed like we just couldn't fathom the horror of drowning. Later that night, we watched the movie "The Perfect Man," wih Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear. We kept saying how much the mom looked like my mom!! Then we went to sleep that night, and I had an AWFUL sunburn. I hurt so badly. The next day we woke up and got ready to go to the church for teen soul winning. I looked like a lobster. I was so afraid of what people would think of my burning red face! Lol!! When we got back to the church from soul winning, I got a call from my dad. I was vacuuming one of the nursey rooms, because we always cleaned the church buildings every Saturday when we got back.  He told me Mary was on her way to pick me up, and we were to head straight to the emergency room. And he hung up. I was so confused. I thought maybe one of my grandparents had passed away!! My granddaddy had been in the hospital several times with severe operations. I saw my sister pull up, and I got in. She said she thought maybe it was Granddaddy too. It was such a confusing, nerve wrecking ride to the Emergency Room. We went inside and asked for my dad. I can just imagine the confused looks on our faces. We knew it was about to be something bad. I remember searching for faces I recognized. No one yet. We turned a corner, and I see my dad. Finally. Then I think I recognized a few other people. But I didn't know their names. Dad's eyes were red. He didn't really know what to say. There were men in navy blue collared shirts standing with him. They told all 3 of us to step in this small room. I was STILL confused. Somebody tell me!!!! A man sat across from my sister and me, and Dad sat on a chair facing the side of the couch Mary and I were sitting on. I don't remember everything the man said, a few phrases stick out. My heart was beating so loudly. He said that there had been an accident. There was a body found in an above ground pool around 10:30 that morning. He said they identified the body as Marian Arnold (my mother's maiden name). Shock. Complete and utter shock. As the man began to tell us that the body was somewhere for an autopsy, my sister and I just burst into tears. Uncontrollable. And I remember the look on my dad's face as he watched us cry. He was heartbroken for us. All three of us had been through so much with this woman, and now she was gone forever. I wondered if there was relief for him...and even for my sister and I. Our preacher at that time said he couldn't marry Kim, unless something were to happen to my mom. Now he was free of that. It crossed my mind. "I want to see her!!" I demanded! The man said he couldn't let me see her. She had been in the water too long. She had been just floating around in the pool, like she always liked to do, and she had been drinking. As told from a person there at the house that night, everyone was going inside. She said she wanted to stay out a little longer, and told them to go ahead. I really am unsure if she passed out from medicine or if she fell asleep. But they found her in the pool around the next morning, after searching for her for a while. The man at the ER said that her body was discolored from being in the water so long. Let me tell you...I don't know how many times my imagination painted a picture of what her face and body looked like after being in the water that whole time. It would pop up in nightmares, in the classroom...it haunted me. I still insisted to see her, and they said no. It would be a closed casket. Leaving the ER that day was a shock. I was in shock for a long time. I remember standing in front of the casket at my mom's viewing. Mom was right there. Dead. Body distorted and cold. Never coming back. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Was this really happening?
To be continued....
P.S. A person's death is not over at the funeral or anywhere near that time. It lasts.

God Sees the Heart

It's about that time again. After midnight = best time to write! My mind is racing! But tonight, something different is keeping me up. My heart feels torn. Here's what I'm feeling all at once. Peace. Love. Confusion. Disappointment. Hurt. Crazy, I know. A lot has been weighing heavy on me. A lot. Things in my life I never thought I'd go through. When you grow up in church all your life, you never really think of all the different situations you might face. Being a human is hard. Being imperfect is hard.
At the glorious age of 25, my life has taken me places I thought I'd never go. And you say, "Well, you just ended up in Pike County, Illinois!! That's not very adventurous!" But I'm not just talking about geographically. Yes, I moved from Tennessee to Barry. Then we moved to Elgin. Then we moved back to Barry. Woo wee! Lol Again...not what I'm talking about. Becoming a parent really changes the way you think about things. Even spiritually. For example, I've been challenged to study my Bible  as if I'd never heard anything from It before in my life. I dare you to give that one a try. Changed my life. I found how loving Jesus is. And I found how easy He has made it for His children to please Him. I think we beat ourselves up too much. Yes, we go through hard times, and we have struggles. But God blesses. And He loves us. He does things for a reason. He cares. He provides in ways that make our jaws drop. We may be horrible human beings who just can't get our act together sometimes, but God loves us despite all that we are. And He just wants us to glorify Him and please Him and tell others about Him. Should be fairly easy to do since we know just how vastly He loves us. We love Him, because He first loved us.
(Notice I'm not doing points...This isn't a sermon. This is my random thoughts and feelings pouring through the tips of my thumbs).
Let me just say something again....God loves us. He loves you. Even if you've never acknowledged Him once I'm your entire life, He loves you. I can't imagine walking up to a stranger and loving them so much I can't stand it. God loves you more than anyone can ever imagine. I love the song "The Love of God." I love the lines, "To write the love of God above would drain the oceans dry. Nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky." Think about that. That is a lot of love, my friends. Who else could love you that much? He's your Creator.
I've been thinking about how much God loves me. And how cruel people can be. Sometimes we need to give people a break. We can be so judgy, and think we know how a person's life is supposed to be run. Just because it's not how WE think they ought to dress or act, gives us no right to look down on someone, or think we are better than them. I know I've said before I like to try to put myself in others' shoes. We have no idea what a person can be struggling with on the inside. All we can see is the outside. God loves us, and He wants to help us. People can make it worse. People can say one little thing, and it can ruin our spirits. Someone said something to me recently, and I can't stop thinking about it. It probably took them 3 seconds to say what they did. It didn't hurt at first, but the more I think about it, the more it hurts. God sees that. People may not even know something is wrong. They just judge you based on what's on the outside. There's more to people than looks. We may not be able to see people the way God does. But I think we can try. Ask yourself, "What if that was me?" Be loving. Be considerate of people. You have no idea what someone is going through, and if they are almost at their breaking point or not. Like I said, you can't see that. But God can.
Listen, I know these thoughts are super jumbled. But you can get what I'm saying. Be mindful what you say to others. Love others as much as you can. God loves them just as much as He does you. Be careful what you do to other people. A little bit of kindness goes a long way. You know it made your day when someone was nice to you, or when someone helped you.
I have peace knowing God loves me, and wants what is best for me. I know He is leading me. Sometimes in our lives we get sensitive. Sometimes we let what others say go down deep in our hearts. God can heal that. He can heal it before it turns into bitterness.
Wow. He loves us. He loves you. He loves me. I feel so secure. There's nothing like the feeling of knowing God is right there with you.
Even through these struggles I'm going through, God shows me His love and gives me His peace. I'm so thankful for it. Everyone struggles. God's there for you.

A Mother Like Mine (Part 2)

I can remember it now...sitting at the top of the stairs listening to my parents fight. Seems like fights won't end when you're being unreasonable. My parents fought and fought, but it was a lost cause. For years my mom would tell me they were getting a divorce because of me. And I would blame myself. I would sit in my closet, palms sweaty, wringing my hands, pulling my hair...that feeling of fear and uncertainty is something I'll never forget. I would look in the mirror and cry and scream and tell myself I was so ugly. Obviously no one was around. I wouldn't dare show anyone that. I would listened to muffled yelling through doors and walls, trying to make out what they were saying. Was it about me? Would they finish then come in there to tell me how I am ruining their relationship?
Every married couple fights. If they're human. Lol
I'm not saying my whole childhood was like this. From the time I became a teenager, I could tell things were going wrong. Those years...13, 14, 15, 16...those are crucial years in themselves.
My dad was always telling me to love my mom unconditionally. That seemed impossible at times. In all honesty, I remember having so much hatred in my heart. I remember cursing her under my breath, and saying that I hate her behind her back. What caused me to do that?
When we were younger, my mom was so fun and crazy!! I was too young and innocent to know what was going on, or why my mom acted the way she did. I remember waking up in the back seat of mom's car one day....all by myself....in a hot car...in the middle of the woods. I was probably 4 or 5. I had no idea where my mom was. I got out of the car, and I walked all the way up this loooong gravel road until I came to this main road. I crossed the road, then walked up the driveway to this house, and I knocked on the door. A nice older black couple answered the door. They panicked. They asked what I was doing by myself and where my parents were. I told them I needed to find my mom, because I lost her. They asked what my phone number was and my address. I had no clue. All I knew was the name of my church. So they started looking it up in the phone book. As soon as they went to call the church, my mom pulls up and frantically jumps out of the car. I can remember right now her permed hair bouncing all over the place. She thanked them for finding me, and I was bawling. I wonder what went through those people's minds. I can remember looking down at my shoes as I was walking that gravel road....my shoelaces were untied. Mom was with 3 other guys. I was in the middle between two in the back of the car. One was up front with her. Now that I'm older, I can just imagine what they were doing out in the woods. Why would she leave me asleep in the hot car?
She would tell my sister and I to play outside almost all day when the weather wasn't cold. Literally all day. We would beg to come in, and she would lock the door. Needless to say, we were imaginative little kids. We would play all up and down the woods where we lived. Or we would spend days with my Mimmaw. She lived right up the driveway from us. But we had tons of fun. I have so many memories at Mimmaw's house as a little girl.
When friends came over, she was a hoot! We all loved her goofy personality. There were times I was so glad she was my mom. She was so beautiful. She had an amazing personality. All my friends loved her. She would almost always buy us candy every time she would get fuel at the gas station. But as we kept getting older, things weren't so innocent. She had back problems, and would have to take pain medicine. Well, I was too little to realize, she didn't HAVE to have it. She was definitely addicted. We would drive home from my aunt's house almost an hour away, and she would be almost passed out that we had to jump up and grab the wheel, trying to wake her up. I remember being so scared and wondering what was wrong. She would convulse in the floor of my dad's office at his work, because she took too much medicine. I had no idea that was a problem at that time. I was so scared for her. I started to realize it around 12 years old. When I was about 8, she got a boob job. I remember he sitting on the couch with ice packs on her boobs. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she had cancer. She told me she had lumps taken out, so everything should be fine. I always begged her to stop smoking. Then she would take pills all. the. time. Every morning, she had to have a coke and her pills as soon as she woke up. The good ole days were over by this point. Yeah she might have been fun every now and then, but I loved her so much, and I HATED her pills. HATED them. She acted so sluggish and crazy. Her pupils were as small as the tip of a pen. She would say dumb things and laugh at herself. She bummed pills off of other people all the time. Goodness knows what she did to get them. My friends would come over, and she would embarrass me. I always felt like I had to excuse her for them. She caught her whole self on fire cooking one night while a friend was over, and it took her a while to realize it. Then, one of the most embarrassing moments....at my friend's senior piano recital, she was pulled-out. She could barely walk, and her speech was so sluggish her face was twitching. Her head was thrown back, and she couldn't even bring it upright. I remember looking at her in complete disgust and embarrassment. But I also wanted to burst out in tears, because she was breaking my heart. I felt so sorry for her. How did she get here?! I have my thoughts on that, but I'm going to keep them to myself. God knows. I was 15 I think, and I was helping mom and My sister bring groceries in. She was out of her right mind. I put her comes on the counter too hard, and she told me to drop the attitude. I told her I didn't have an attitude. Then she argued with me. I argued back, because I wasn't in the wrong! She shoved me against the counter, and she started hitting me with her fists. My sister immediately called my dad at work. I held up my arms, trying to block her, and she said I was trying to hit her back, I got away, and I ran to my room and shut the door, locking it as quick as I could! I heard her grab a knife from the knife block, and my heart stopped. I heard her footsteps coming to my door. I was scared to death. After standing at my door for a while, she just walked away. I was shocked. Imagine explaining to my dad what had happened.
This is only some of the stories and some of the feeling I want to share. Bear with me. I was a momma's girl when I was little. I wanted to be when I was older. I was so tired of how embarrassing my mom was in front of my friends and people at school. She was always late picking us up from school. At that age, it was humiliating, the teachers hated it. I know they did, because the would complain and dread to see her coming.
Listen...there were amazing fun times too. Trip we took as a family....fishing....friends houses....lots of things. Just really seems like the bad outweighs the good. She would have long conversations about me to her grandmother. And she would lie and complain about my sister and dad. Her advice was to just slap the attitude out of me. I would pick up the other house phone and listen in. Boy did that build hatred in me. I remember wishing my mom was dead.
When I was about 15, I found out my mom was sleeping with other guys and going to the bars.
Then the day came. I couldn't believe it. She walked upstairs one afternoon and said she was moving out. Mom and dad were separating. And as much as dad or anyone told me different, I knew it was because of me. A year later, the summer before I turned 17, they got a divorce. I remember sitting in that courtroom, so confused. I felt hurt, betrayed, guilty, anger....why didn't she love me anymore? Why didn't she want to stay with us?
We saw her a few times before she died. And our relationship was great. I was becoming more mature. I loved her so much I hurt. I would look at her in her small trailer. I would see all the leftover stuff she had in her house. I'll never forget the smell of her house and her clothes. We stayed over one night. I felt like she was trying to make up for all the years of being a bad mother.
I ached for her to get help, and I ached for me to truly get over and forgive her.
She wanted to keep in touch. She never really did much before. I was 16. As I got. Little older, she would write me cards or send me things every now and then. But I was totally not interested. I was in my own little teenage drama world. Trying to figure stuff out. Dad had started dating again, and I had got in trouble. I was so depressed. I hated myself. Why is MY life like this?? Why couldn't I have a life like my friends??
Like I said...there were sweet, precious mommy-daughter memories. Then there were memories that make me stop breathing. Why did I have to go throug all that? I have NO idea. But...it happened.  I could tell so many more stories. Things that would shock you. Things that would make you laugh. Things that would make you cry. Sometimes I wished I never heard the words come out of her mouth, "I wish you'd never been born." I'm sure she wished she would have gone through with that abortion numerous times. It's just something a daughter should never have to hear from her mother. If that stupid medicine wouldn't have gotten in the way....she was never herself. When she was clear headed, I LOVED to be around her. I made sure I made it into a huge deal how much I loved having my mom back. But it never lasted for long.
Next post will be on her death. I just need to get these feelings out there. You have been so gracious to read through this on my personal life. Thank you.

Really Real

Scroll all the way down. ⬇️⬇️⬇️ Look at these. Just look at them. Lol! Soak it in. Everyone loves to see people with nicely done makeup. But I think people love to see people without makeup too. Even more so. Why? Because reality is fascinating. This is what you call the ugly truth. Lol! Well, maybe I won't go THAT far. Like  I've said before, this is how God made me. I just do a little extra to be my best self. 

Why did I do this? Because I want to talk about keeping it real. Just because I fix my hair and do my makeup doesn't mean I'm not being real. I'm still the same me. Being real on the inside is what counts. There are lots and lots of areas I can touch on with this "real" stuff, but I'm going to talk about my real emotions. Whether you like it or not! Ha. :) (That's my real mean side coming out). Lol. I'm going somewhere with these makeupless selfies...trust me. 

Notice the gazillion spots on my face? Of course you do. How could you miss that? Yikes....this is tough. Be real, Autumn. Be real. When I am stressed. When I have something bothering me, I always always ALWAYS pick at something. Over-plucking my eyebrows, picking at blackheads....I can't help it. It's therapy to me. Then I look at my face after and think, "What the heck am I doing to myself?" Then comes a whole new problem. "How is my makeup going to cover those??" Lol!! 

Being a mommy is stressful. Being a wife is stressful. We do NOT have it all together. One moment you think you are doing something great, and your husband is going to be so proud of you, then it turns out much differently. That stresses you out. Your kids won't take a nap after you telling them to lay down and go to sleep 100 times!!! That stresses you out. But in all honesty, I had that one coming. I never stayed in my bed as a child. Ever. Lol. 

Ever since I was a teenager, I would crouch up in the sink in front of the bathroom mirror, and I would pick. Pick pick pick pick pick. That really affected my image. I would wonder what people thought about me. I was self conscious already, and this just added to me. I don't know what preteen and teenager isn't self conscious!! But I would take all of my stress and problems out on my face. 

I have been thinking about writing about my mom for over a week now. It has really affected my emotions. It seems to pop up over and over throughout the day. Any little chance I get, I run to the bathroom and grab my tweezers. Tweezers are awesome....if they are in the right hands. Lol jk. But really. I believe I have gotten better with it. But just recently it has gotten a bit out of hand. 

I sound like I do meth....wow. I promise, I don't. No matter what you may think. Lol 

It's a little embarrassing for me to post this. But I felt a nudge to. I try not to ignore those nudges. Sometimes they get me into trouble. Lol. I am just trying to be real.

Since I like numbering things...I'm going to number a few things...

1. Finances

2. Marriage

3. Parenting

4. Being a church member

5. Being a true friend

6. Being a keeper of the home

These things all come with stress....some can have minimal. Some can be overwhelming. Let me touch on a few things...

1. We pay our bills. God has blessed us. No we do not have money to do a lot of things most people do every day. Let me be real and honest without people getting their feelings hurt. I feel like I'm rich when I get a Java Chip Frappe from the local coffee shop. I feel like dog food is a huge expense. Half of my makeup and clothes have been given to me. Actually, a majority of my things have been given to me. I've made stupid financial mistakes. But I'm learning. Seeing people take trips to see their family make me jealous sometimes. I'd like to see my friends and family way more than I do. When I see people eating out all. the. time. I think what I could use that money for if it was me. Ok, ok. Let me say this though, to be fair. I USED to let stuff like that bother me. I used to hate looking at Facebook. But then, I really tried to stop judging. What if that couple eating out all the time needs that time together? What if that person with the expensive coffee was up all night, and they needed that. What if a family member helped pay for their family to come see them. I have been in those situations, and judging can make me forget so easily. There have been so many times where I wonder what people thought when I did something that they would think is irresponsible (or something like that). But there may be far more to the story than our minds can judge!! I have really tried to learn that. Even if I do get jealous, I try to just let it go, get it out of my head and move on. More than often, I try to be happy for that person . I have really been trying to put myself in people's shoes. It will open your eyes. Just because people don't do things the same way I do doesn't mean I need to judge them or look down on them. It's happened to me, and I just don't like it. Lol. 

2. Marriage is hard. It's hard to love someone more than yourself. Hard. There may be times Luke and I go to bed mad at each other. And we are too prideful to just say "Ok," or "I was wrong." It's hard not comparing jobs. Who works harder....who cares!! It's not about you. It's about them. Boy, do I need to learn some more of that!!! And let me be blunt... There is so much more to marriage than making out and having sex. Lol Wow, I can't believe I said that. Lol! There are going to be times you can't stand each other. And there are going to be times where you don't think you could love them more! It can get stressful.

3. Girls. Drama. Diapers. Laundry. Discipline. Supervision. Attention. Hugs. Kisses. Runny noses. Fevers. Severe depression. Reading books. Disobedience. Hair getting pulled. I think that's enough....but I love them so much it literally hurts my chest. 

4. Not about looking and acting the way people think you should...looking and acting the way Jesus would. It can get stressful. God is so much more forgiving than people are. 

5. Even though some friends might annoy the crap out of you, (I can't begin to imagine how much I annoy people. Lol!!) you put yourselves in their shoes. You love them. You sacrifice for them. You be the friend you want to have. Still stressful. Still need to work on it.

6. Dishes. Cooking. Cleaning repeatedly. Thank GOD for my Norwex....glory hallelujah. That's for another blog post though. ;) Things by piled up. Stress-FUL!!!! The feeling like you can never catch up. Spills. Ironing. Trash. You name it...it can get stressful. 

So what do I do when those things get me stressed out?? Pick!!!! I'm sure we all have things we do to deal with our stress, problems and emotions. I am embarrassed by mine. But...I'm  being real. Things get to me. Hence, the terrible selfies. If you haven't gotten that by now. Lol. So....what do you do when you're buttons are being pushed?? 

A Mother Like Mine (Part 1)

Seeing posts all over today about Taylor Swift's mother being diagnosed with cancer. How sad! It's hard for me to imagine having a parent diagnosed with cancer. I know a lot of my friends have been through that. I don't care if you are rich, poor, likeable, unlikeable, famous, or you only have a small circle of friends...I'm sure it's hard. And devastating. I decided to look up some inspiring quotes about mothers on Pinterest. Because that's just what I do. Sometimes finding someone else's words hit a spot in your heart that needed to be touched.

I didn't just look up quotes about mothers, I looked up sayings about mothers who have passed away. Most of them were about mothers who will be forever missed, because she had a golden heart. "She was loved by all! She helped all those around her. She was a best friend, and the best mom in the world!"

For some of us, that's just not the case. Where are THOSE quotes and sayings? They aren't there. (Well, maybe they are, and I just didn't look hard enough!). What sayings are supposed to help people get through a mother passing away who wasn't loved by all? She didn't have a golden heart. She wasn't a best friend or the best mom in the world. Frankly, it's awkward. No one wants to really talk about it that much. There's not much good people can say. How are people supposed to be helped through a mother like that passing away? 

A new friend of mine asked me what happened with my mom.  I even had a relative (on my husband's side) think that she had died of cancer or something. Nothing wrong with that if you don't know. That's what I'm saying. It's hard to talk about. Because it is not a loved one passing away. There's so much more. *Sigh* 

If you could see me write this, I keep pausing. Childhood memories, teenage memories...they seem to be flooding my mind. I feel like they are falling over my eyes, and I don't know which one to pull out. 

Let me start with this...I am who I am today because of my mother. I feel like that sentence is highlighted in yellow. It's a statement that predicts itself. Because I am nothing like her, yet I am so very much like her.

My mom died right before I turned 18. August 11, 2007. Man, I am taking some long pauses between these sentences. It's like scenes from a movie I have watched over and over again are popping up. At times, I feel like I am sitting in front of a screen watching it. 

My high school graduation...my first day at college...my first date...my engagement...my wedding day...the day Josie was born...the day Harper was born...That whole timespan consists of SO many major points in a daughter's life. Especially when you are that age at that time. There were so many times I needed a mother-daughter talk. A time when I could pour out my thoughts and feelings, and not be judged on how emotional I was getting...a time where you are talking with the person who has been there with you since birth, and who loves you unconditionally. 

But then I think back on where my mom was in her life when she died, and I wonder if she were still alive, would I truly want her there for all of that? I think my eyes have been opened through several things in my life. If I knew then what I know now, I feel like I could have helped her. Some damage is beyond repair, but we should never give up hope or trying. God can do anything. I feel like if she came back, I WOULD want her there for all the next big events in my life. I don't care what state of mind, heart, or body she is in. But that's not happening. 

I have heard many people tell me she is in heaven. I hope so. :) I remember one afternoon, when I was about 15, I asked her, " Are you even saved??" I was so confused and hurt by all the things she was doing. And me being the raunchy teenager I was toward her, I was fed up with it. If I could go back....oh, if I could go back. She told me no she wasn't saved, and she hopes she goes to hell. She said she didn't care about anything anymore. And she had a confident spirit about her when she said it. At the time, I might've been mad at her for wearing my new clothes to a bar, but I wished I would've been more loving and mature about that whole conversation. I remember begging and pleading for her to quit smoking. I can see myself right now, sitting on the edge of her bed, with tears in my eyes, begging for her to not smoke one more cigarette....because I loved her. She would say she would try. And as a 10 or 11 year old little girl, I had hope she would. But the older I got, the more problems were unveiled. If smoking were the only problem......

I feel like I could write a book about my life just with her. I feel like I need to blog about it. Not for pity, becuase God has worked in me through this. And I am so grateful. I'd like to think it has made me a better mom. :) Maybe. Maybe not. 

So I am going to do this in parts. I may write two posts in one day. It may be a week before I post another. I don't have to wait til Mother's Day to write something about my mother. Lol So bear with me. :)

Right now, I need to be a good little mother and take care of some dishes. Lol!! To be continued.....

No product? No problem!

So I had put a picture up yesterday about how I got some pretty voluptuous ....wait wait....*googling the definition for "voluptuous"*
Oh boy. NOT the word I meant. Lol!! Sounded nice, but not really what I'm going for. Let's just say I got a lot of volume out of my hair by doing a few simple things.
1. I mostly let my hair air dry. Unless I'm in a hurry. I decided I wanted some waves yesterday, but not overboard curls. It's only Wednesday night. No need for all that fancy hair. So I started out by curling little sections of my hair.....Man. I really should have taken step-by-step pictures. That would probably help. Lol So just picture this. Section off your hair by pulling it all up, except for the bottom layer, in a clip. Pretty basic hair-curling. Curl the entire piece pretty tightly. Sometimes I leave the ends kind of straight, so I don't look like Goldilocks. But this time, it's ok to take that curl all the way! Lol Curl all of the pieces away from your face. Then let down another section of hair, and do the same until you're done. It's going to be uber curly. Like Goldilocks.
2. Brush through those curls and pull them straight down. What I mean by that is, don't let them all fuse together into giant curls. It's really easy for them to do that.
3. Get out yo straightener, (don't ask...I sometimes have ghetto tendencies that I can't control) and quickly go over each curl. How curly or how wavy you want it all depends on you...you can speed through those curls, or you can go a little slower when you are straightening. Be sure to start fairly close to the top. You don't want little curls at the top of your head, and then big ones at the bottom. That would look silly...just in case you weren't sure. Lol
I have observed sooo many ways girls curl their hair. Not on YouTube or Pinterest, but growing up. I wish I could go back and tell my old self, "Rethink that hair." lol. But I have learned a lot. And I still am. Since I've had two babies, my hair is NOT the same as it used to be. I had one huge long "hair journey," if you will, when we lived in Elgin. It just seemed to get worse and worse. From getting a $130 bleach (which is NOT what I asked for. I even gave the lady a picture for crying out loud), to going completely dark brown with whatever you want to call it underneath. I have been so wronged until I came back to Pike County. After years of having horrible hair, it felt great to have it done right!!!
Is it bad to want to get a hold of people's hair and makeup of just about everyone I meet? Maybe I have a weird obsession. Just maybe. Lol Not saying that they do it badly, I just want to see what I can do with it! I blame the hoooouuurrrsss of time I had to myself as a teenager. I would be in the bathroom for hours doing my hair and makeup. I had all the time in the world! Now I barely have time to pluck my eyebrows! Can I get a witness?! Most days it ends up in a bun on my head. And half of it gets ripped out from the girls jumping on it or putting bows in my hair. Ouch....my scalp hurts just thinking about it!
How did this "tutorial" end with my weird mommy confessions?? Oh well....hey, it's my blog. Lol I'm just keeping it real! ;) You can see a little how my brain works. Whiiiich...is scary. I know. Lol
But next time, I will do step-by-step pictures to make it so much easier!! :) If any of yall try this, take a picture, and let me know how it goes!!!! I'd love to see!!! :)
P.S. Anything you want to know, please FEEL FREE to ask!!!! Anything goes....:)

This adventure is just getting started...

Well, this blog has been a long time coming! And I honestly don't know what I'm doing. Or even if I'm doing this right. Lol! But here goes nothing!!
Actually, here goes deep feelings and thoughts (they don't really get too too deep) and passions and dreams....I'm going to lay it all out there for whoever wants to hear it! Some will probably be bored. Some will probably think I'm dumb. But maybe some will be encouraged or inspired. :) That's my hope!
I'm just going to give you a few ideas that I will probably touch on...
And by ideas, I mean things I love.
My family. My husband and two girls are what I live for. God has blessed me so much with these amazing human beings!! They have made me who I am today. That's either a good thing or a scary thing. Lol!
I love anything beautiful. Dresses, jewelry, art, flowers....I could go on and on.
I love capturing moments that have lots of meaning; maybe not to some people, but to me.
I love memories and stories. Although, I'm really the worst at telling people stories. I love looking back and feeling every little thing about a memory that I cherish.
I love music. Music that stirs up feelings in your soul. I love to sing, and try to portray those emotions.
I'm trying to not get too deep here. I just wanted this to kind of kick things off.
Oh, and bear with me....This says it's Luke Fesler's blog (well at least it's telling me that now), but he has nothing to do with it, other than we share a gmail account. Lol I am going to have to tweak a ton of things on here, I'm sure.
Hope you enjoy getting to share my life with me!! :) It'll be quite an adventure. It has been so far. Maybe one day I'll blog about it... ;)