Mother Like Mine (Part 3)

Seems like when I am really low, I can reach down into the deep, hurting parts of my heart and pull those emotions right out. I've been a little transparent with how I've been feeling lately. It's just a time in my family's life that we have to go through. Honestly, it sucks. I really wished things could just be easy. But a lot of times, God makes us go through hard things for a reason. And I know we will be thankful for it.
In case you think I have given up on writing about my mom, you're wrong. Lol Sorry! I feel like I have to be at a certain spot emotionally to write about this. It's really not easy. I don't just want to state facts. I want to tell a story. And tell a story I shall....
Friday, August 10, 2007. Kim (my step-mom now) took my sister and some friends to her friend's gorgeous river house about an hour away. That place was like something out of a magazine right on the river. My friends and I swam in the river, laid out to tan on the dock, watched a movie, and had a BLAST!!! It was such a fun day!! The day before, Thursday, I was at my dad's work when my mom came in to the dealership. I hadn't really heard from her or seen her in a long time. I remember sitting on the couch when she walked in. She was happy to see me. I wasn't too sure if I was equally happy to see her. I was just kind of curious why she was there. She was all smiles and told me she missed me and she was so happy to see me. I was pretty calm and just nice to her. Not thrilled to see her exactly. She told me she had plans to go to a friend's house Friday night and go swimming and just hang out. She was pretty excited. Then she went on to tell me how sorry she was for everything. She apologized for her abuse of pain medication. She apologized for not being there for me always. She apologized for leaving. She apologized for how she treated me. She apologized for not making better choices. She knew what she did. She told me how much she loved me, and she said one day hopefully I would understand and forgive her. I was kind of thrown off by all the sincerity in her eyes and voice. I did forgive her. But I thought maybe this was just her apologizing again to get me to like her. She had several times before through letters to me. Something was different though. She gave me a huge hug. It was a little longer than most hugs, and I hugged her back. There was something about feeling her body in my arms...my mother...for the last time. I didn't know that, but I felt something different. That embrace felt so right. As if all my bad feelings toward her left my body, and all her motherly love flooded into my heart. I tried to hold back tears after I saw her tear-filled eyes. She smiled really big with her thin lips. And it was so loving. That afternoon she talked to my dad too. I waited on the couch in the waiting area while they were in his office. I wondered what she had to say to him, and why she felt the need to say it right now. He later told me she apologized to him too. I don't remember everything he told me she said. But then just like that, she left the building.
The next morning we headed off to the river house. There was hardly any reception where we were, so I had no reason to look at my phone all day, really. Later that night, I saw that a couple of calls from my mom didn't come through. I had voicemail from her, so I stepped outside to listen to it. I didn't bother trying to call her back. Oh how I wish I would've. She told me in the voicemail message that she hoped I was having fun (because I told her our plans for that day). She talked on about school coming up and really unimportant things. She told me, "I love you so much baby girl." And when it was over, I deleted it. I wish to God I hadn't. I remember swimming in the river with my friend that day, and we were talking about how awful it would be to drown. Seemed like we just couldn't fathom the horror of drowning. Later that night, we watched the movie "The Perfect Man," wih Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear. We kept saying how much the mom looked like my mom!! Then we went to sleep that night, and I had an AWFUL sunburn. I hurt so badly. The next day we woke up and got ready to go to the church for teen soul winning. I looked like a lobster. I was so afraid of what people would think of my burning red face! Lol!! When we got back to the church from soul winning, I got a call from my dad. I was vacuuming one of the nursey rooms, because we always cleaned the church buildings every Saturday when we got back.  He told me Mary was on her way to pick me up, and we were to head straight to the emergency room. And he hung up. I was so confused. I thought maybe one of my grandparents had passed away!! My granddaddy had been in the hospital several times with severe operations. I saw my sister pull up, and I got in. She said she thought maybe it was Granddaddy too. It was such a confusing, nerve wrecking ride to the Emergency Room. We went inside and asked for my dad. I can just imagine the confused looks on our faces. We knew it was about to be something bad. I remember searching for faces I recognized. No one yet. We turned a corner, and I see my dad. Finally. Then I think I recognized a few other people. But I didn't know their names. Dad's eyes were red. He didn't really know what to say. There were men in navy blue collared shirts standing with him. They told all 3 of us to step in this small room. I was STILL confused. Somebody tell me!!!! A man sat across from my sister and me, and Dad sat on a chair facing the side of the couch Mary and I were sitting on. I don't remember everything the man said, a few phrases stick out. My heart was beating so loudly. He said that there had been an accident. There was a body found in an above ground pool around 10:30 that morning. He said they identified the body as Marian Arnold (my mother's maiden name). Shock. Complete and utter shock. As the man began to tell us that the body was somewhere for an autopsy, my sister and I just burst into tears. Uncontrollable. And I remember the look on my dad's face as he watched us cry. He was heartbroken for us. All three of us had been through so much with this woman, and now she was gone forever. I wondered if there was relief for him...and even for my sister and I. Our preacher at that time said he couldn't marry Kim, unless something were to happen to my mom. Now he was free of that. It crossed my mind. "I want to see her!!" I demanded! The man said he couldn't let me see her. She had been in the water too long. She had been just floating around in the pool, like she always liked to do, and she had been drinking. As told from a person there at the house that night, everyone was going inside. She said she wanted to stay out a little longer, and told them to go ahead. I really am unsure if she passed out from medicine or if she fell asleep. But they found her in the pool around the next morning, after searching for her for a while. The man at the ER said that her body was discolored from being in the water so long. Let me tell you...I don't know how many times my imagination painted a picture of what her face and body looked like after being in the water that whole time. It would pop up in nightmares, in the classroom...it haunted me. I still insisted to see her, and they said no. It would be a closed casket. Leaving the ER that day was a shock. I was in shock for a long time. I remember standing in front of the casket at my mom's viewing. Mom was right there. Dead. Body distorted and cold. Never coming back. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Was this really happening?
To be continued....
P.S. A person's death is not over at the funeral or anywhere near that time. It lasts.