A Mother Like Mine (Part 2)

I can remember it now...sitting at the top of the stairs listening to my parents fight. Seems like fights won't end when you're being unreasonable. My parents fought and fought, but it was a lost cause. For years my mom would tell me they were getting a divorce because of me. And I would blame myself. I would sit in my closet, palms sweaty, wringing my hands, pulling my hair...that feeling of fear and uncertainty is something I'll never forget. I would look in the mirror and cry and scream and tell myself I was so ugly. Obviously no one was around. I wouldn't dare show anyone that. I would listened to muffled yelling through doors and walls, trying to make out what they were saying. Was it about me? Would they finish then come in there to tell me how I am ruining their relationship?
Every married couple fights. If they're human. Lol
I'm not saying my whole childhood was like this. From the time I became a teenager, I could tell things were going wrong. Those years...13, 14, 15, 16...those are crucial years in themselves.
My dad was always telling me to love my mom unconditionally. That seemed impossible at times. In all honesty, I remember having so much hatred in my heart. I remember cursing her under my breath, and saying that I hate her behind her back. What caused me to do that?
When we were younger, my mom was so fun and crazy!! I was too young and innocent to know what was going on, or why my mom acted the way she did. I remember waking up in the back seat of mom's car one day....all by myself....in a hot car...in the middle of the woods. I was probably 4 or 5. I had no idea where my mom was. I got out of the car, and I walked all the way up this loooong gravel road until I came to this main road. I crossed the road, then walked up the driveway to this house, and I knocked on the door. A nice older black couple answered the door. They panicked. They asked what I was doing by myself and where my parents were. I told them I needed to find my mom, because I lost her. They asked what my phone number was and my address. I had no clue. All I knew was the name of my church. So they started looking it up in the phone book. As soon as they went to call the church, my mom pulls up and frantically jumps out of the car. I can remember right now her permed hair bouncing all over the place. She thanked them for finding me, and I was bawling. I wonder what went through those people's minds. I can remember looking down at my shoes as I was walking that gravel road....my shoelaces were untied. Mom was with 3 other guys. I was in the middle between two in the back of the car. One was up front with her. Now that I'm older, I can just imagine what they were doing out in the woods. Why would she leave me asleep in the hot car?
She would tell my sister and I to play outside almost all day when the weather wasn't cold. Literally all day. We would beg to come in, and she would lock the door. Needless to say, we were imaginative little kids. We would play all up and down the woods where we lived. Or we would spend days with my Mimmaw. She lived right up the driveway from us. But we had tons of fun. I have so many memories at Mimmaw's house as a little girl.
When friends came over, she was a hoot! We all loved her goofy personality. There were times I was so glad she was my mom. She was so beautiful. She had an amazing personality. All my friends loved her. She would almost always buy us candy every time she would get fuel at the gas station. But as we kept getting older, things weren't so innocent. She had back problems, and would have to take pain medicine. Well, I was too little to realize, she didn't HAVE to have it. She was definitely addicted. We would drive home from my aunt's house almost an hour away, and she would be almost passed out that we had to jump up and grab the wheel, trying to wake her up. I remember being so scared and wondering what was wrong. She would convulse in the floor of my dad's office at his work, because she took too much medicine. I had no idea that was a problem at that time. I was so scared for her. I started to realize it around 12 years old. When I was about 8, she got a boob job. I remember he sitting on the couch with ice packs on her boobs. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she had cancer. She told me she had lumps taken out, so everything should be fine. I always begged her to stop smoking. Then she would take pills all. the. time. Every morning, she had to have a coke and her pills as soon as she woke up. The good ole days were over by this point. Yeah she might have been fun every now and then, but I loved her so much, and I HATED her pills. HATED them. She acted so sluggish and crazy. Her pupils were as small as the tip of a pen. She would say dumb things and laugh at herself. She bummed pills off of other people all the time. Goodness knows what she did to get them. My friends would come over, and she would embarrass me. I always felt like I had to excuse her for them. She caught her whole self on fire cooking one night while a friend was over, and it took her a while to realize it. Then, one of the most embarrassing moments....at my friend's senior piano recital, she was pulled-out. She could barely walk, and her speech was so sluggish her face was twitching. Her head was thrown back, and she couldn't even bring it upright. I remember looking at her in complete disgust and embarrassment. But I also wanted to burst out in tears, because she was breaking my heart. I felt so sorry for her. How did she get here?! I have my thoughts on that, but I'm going to keep them to myself. God knows. I was 15 I think, and I was helping mom and My sister bring groceries in. She was out of her right mind. I put her comes on the counter too hard, and she told me to drop the attitude. I told her I didn't have an attitude. Then she argued with me. I argued back, because I wasn't in the wrong! She shoved me against the counter, and she started hitting me with her fists. My sister immediately called my dad at work. I held up my arms, trying to block her, and she said I was trying to hit her back, I got away, and I ran to my room and shut the door, locking it as quick as I could! I heard her grab a knife from the knife block, and my heart stopped. I heard her footsteps coming to my door. I was scared to death. After standing at my door for a while, she just walked away. I was shocked. Imagine explaining to my dad what had happened.
This is only some of the stories and some of the feeling I want to share. Bear with me. I was a momma's girl when I was little. I wanted to be when I was older. I was so tired of how embarrassing my mom was in front of my friends and people at school. She was always late picking us up from school. At that age, it was humiliating, the teachers hated it. I know they did, because the would complain and dread to see her coming.
Listen...there were amazing fun times too. Trip we took as a family....fishing....friends houses....lots of things. Just really seems like the bad outweighs the good. She would have long conversations about me to her grandmother. And she would lie and complain about my sister and dad. Her advice was to just slap the attitude out of me. I would pick up the other house phone and listen in. Boy did that build hatred in me. I remember wishing my mom was dead.
When I was about 15, I found out my mom was sleeping with other guys and going to the bars.
Then the day came. I couldn't believe it. She walked upstairs one afternoon and said she was moving out. Mom and dad were separating. And as much as dad or anyone told me different, I knew it was because of me. A year later, the summer before I turned 17, they got a divorce. I remember sitting in that courtroom, so confused. I felt hurt, betrayed, guilty, anger....why didn't she love me anymore? Why didn't she want to stay with us?
We saw her a few times before she died. And our relationship was great. I was becoming more mature. I loved her so much I hurt. I would look at her in her small trailer. I would see all the leftover stuff she had in her house. I'll never forget the smell of her house and her clothes. We stayed over one night. I felt like she was trying to make up for all the years of being a bad mother.
I ached for her to get help, and I ached for me to truly get over and forgive her.
She wanted to keep in touch. She never really did much before. I was 16. As I got. Little older, she would write me cards or send me things every now and then. But I was totally not interested. I was in my own little teenage drama world. Trying to figure stuff out. Dad had started dating again, and I had got in trouble. I was so depressed. I hated myself. Why is MY life like this?? Why couldn't I have a life like my friends??
Like I said...there were sweet, precious mommy-daughter memories. Then there were memories that make me stop breathing. Why did I have to go throug all that? I have NO idea. But...it happened.  I could tell so many more stories. Things that would shock you. Things that would make you laugh. Things that would make you cry. Sometimes I wished I never heard the words come out of her mouth, "I wish you'd never been born." I'm sure she wished she would have gone through with that abortion numerous times. It's just something a daughter should never have to hear from her mother. If that stupid medicine wouldn't have gotten in the way....she was never herself. When she was clear headed, I LOVED to be around her. I made sure I made it into a huge deal how much I loved having my mom back. But it never lasted for long.
Next post will be on her death. I just need to get these feelings out there. You have been so gracious to read through this on my personal life. Thank you.