A Mother Like Mine (Part 1)

Seeing posts all over today about Taylor Swift's mother being diagnosed with cancer. How sad! It's hard for me to imagine having a parent diagnosed with cancer. I know a lot of my friends have been through that. I don't care if you are rich, poor, likeable, unlikeable, famous, or you only have a small circle of friends...I'm sure it's hard. And devastating. I decided to look up some inspiring quotes about mothers on Pinterest. Because that's just what I do. Sometimes finding someone else's words hit a spot in your heart that needed to be touched.

I didn't just look up quotes about mothers, I looked up sayings about mothers who have passed away. Most of them were about mothers who will be forever missed, because she had a golden heart. "She was loved by all! She helped all those around her. She was a best friend, and the best mom in the world!"

For some of us, that's just not the case. Where are THOSE quotes and sayings? They aren't there. (Well, maybe they are, and I just didn't look hard enough!). What sayings are supposed to help people get through a mother passing away who wasn't loved by all? She didn't have a golden heart. She wasn't a best friend or the best mom in the world. Frankly, it's awkward. No one wants to really talk about it that much. There's not much good people can say. How are people supposed to be helped through a mother like that passing away? 

A new friend of mine asked me what happened with my mom.  I even had a relative (on my husband's side) think that she had died of cancer or something. Nothing wrong with that if you don't know. That's what I'm saying. It's hard to talk about. Because it is not a loved one passing away. There's so much more. *Sigh* 

If you could see me write this, I keep pausing. Childhood memories, teenage memories...they seem to be flooding my mind. I feel like they are falling over my eyes, and I don't know which one to pull out. 

Let me start with this...I am who I am today because of my mother. I feel like that sentence is highlighted in yellow. It's a statement that predicts itself. Because I am nothing like her, yet I am so very much like her.

My mom died right before I turned 18. August 11, 2007. Man, I am taking some long pauses between these sentences. It's like scenes from a movie I have watched over and over again are popping up. At times, I feel like I am sitting in front of a screen watching it. 

My high school graduation...my first day at college...my first date...my engagement...my wedding day...the day Josie was born...the day Harper was born...That whole timespan consists of SO many major points in a daughter's life. Especially when you are that age at that time. There were so many times I needed a mother-daughter talk. A time when I could pour out my thoughts and feelings, and not be judged on how emotional I was getting...a time where you are talking with the person who has been there with you since birth, and who loves you unconditionally. 

But then I think back on where my mom was in her life when she died, and I wonder if she were still alive, would I truly want her there for all of that? I think my eyes have been opened through several things in my life. If I knew then what I know now, I feel like I could have helped her. Some damage is beyond repair, but we should never give up hope or trying. God can do anything. I feel like if she came back, I WOULD want her there for all the next big events in my life. I don't care what state of mind, heart, or body she is in. But that's not happening. 

I have heard many people tell me she is in heaven. I hope so. :) I remember one afternoon, when I was about 15, I asked her, " Are you even saved??" I was so confused and hurt by all the things she was doing. And me being the raunchy teenager I was toward her, I was fed up with it. If I could go back....oh, if I could go back. She told me no she wasn't saved, and she hopes she goes to hell. She said she didn't care about anything anymore. And she had a confident spirit about her when she said it. At the time, I might've been mad at her for wearing my new clothes to a bar, but I wished I would've been more loving and mature about that whole conversation. I remember begging and pleading for her to quit smoking. I can see myself right now, sitting on the edge of her bed, with tears in my eyes, begging for her to not smoke one more cigarette....because I loved her. She would say she would try. And as a 10 or 11 year old little girl, I had hope she would. But the older I got, the more problems were unveiled. If smoking were the only problem......

I feel like I could write a book about my life just with her. I feel like I need to blog about it. Not for pity, becuase God has worked in me through this. And I am so grateful. I'd like to think it has made me a better mom. :) Maybe. Maybe not. 

So I am going to do this in parts. I may write two posts in one day. It may be a week before I post another. I don't have to wait til Mother's Day to write something about my mother. Lol So bear with me. :)

Right now, I need to be a good little mother and take care of some dishes. Lol!! To be continued.....