Happy 5 years

Friday, May 22 was our fifth anniversary! During those five years, we have lived in three different places, had two children, went through some college, went to two churches, made new friends, lost some old ones...We have practically "grown up" together in the last five years.

Life can be extremely difficult when you worry about pleasing everyone. Because, that's impossible. God is first. He is the only one who really should be concerned about pleasing. Then the rest will fall into place. 

Lately I have been emotionally exhausted. We have been going through a lot. Just because God puts you through something, doesn't mean it's not going to be hard. He won't give you something that you're not able to handle. 

Luke and I have been there for each other. I feel like he has been there more for me than I have for him. In a marriage, you have to work hard and try, even when you don't feel like it. Luke is trying to teach me that. Even after five years, I am still learning...and I'll keep learning. After all, we are changing. Seems like very frequently. A lot of times for me, after a long day with the kids, I don't have any energy left to converse and take care of Luke. And that's where I need to try harder. But yet, he still treats me so sweet. He is always teaching me. Even when I'm being horrible (oooh yessss I can be horrible) lol, he shows me how much he cares about me. I love his soft side. He's just incredible. I am so glad it's him. I can't imagine not having him to lead me through life. It scares me sometimes thinking about, "What if it was someone else going through this with me?" #1 We probably wouldn't be going through some of the things we have been through, and #2 I guarantee you, I wouldn't have the peace and joy I feel inside.

On Friday, our anniversary, I knew something was off that day. I was getting stressed out, because things weren't going the way I had planned. But we got through the day, and we were supposed to travel to Tennessee late that night.

I knew something wasn't right as the night went on. The next morning, we packed up, and we left for Tennessee. I felt so drained and lightheaded. I was so not up for this. I was so on edge. Every little thing seemed to set me off. I was bleeding very heavily Friday night, into Saturday morning. I knew it was NOT normal. I didn't want to say anything to Luke, because I felt like I needed to wait. Finally, after we made a stop for lunch, I came back from the bathroom and got in the van. I said to Luke,

 "I'm miscarrying."

 He said, "What?" Almost like he wanted to make sure he heard me right. I said it again, but this time I couldn't hold the tears back. I think it's something that you never think will happen to you. All I can really remember is Luke saying that he loved me. That kept echoing though my head..."I love you, Autumn." And he held my hand. 

We did not know we were expecting. Whether it was an "accident" or not, we were still going to have a baby. Something in me feels like some people think, just because the pregnancy wasn't announced first, that it is not as big of a deal. I'm not talking about length of time in the womb. I'm talking about knowing before the miscarriage. The end result would still be a baby in my arms. 

After five years, after ups and downs, Luke is even more loving and caring toward me. And I am so thankful.  I am so thankful to have him. I'm so thankful he's mine. 

Luke, if you read this, know that I love you with all my heart. 💕