A letter to my girls 💕

Dear darling girls,

I want you to know that I want you. I always have. I always will. No matter what. It may sound silly for you to hear that, but some mothers don't want their children. 

I have wanted you since before I knew you were being created in me. I may have been scared when I found out I was having a baby (or another baby), but you better believe there was excitement...like a dream come true.

Before I had you, I was determined to be the mom to you that my mom was not to me. I wanted to give you the things she didn't give to me. I still want to. Now that I have you, I realize I don't even have to try, really. You make my life so happy. I thank God for the both of you! You bring joy to my life that I never ever ever knew I could have. 

I don't deserve you.

I don't want you to ever have to feel unloved. I want you to only imagine it (if you ever want to). 

I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be right here for you. Whatever you need...

I love you with all my heart, Josie and Harper.

Love, 

Your Momma 💘

Happy 5 years

Friday, May 22 was our fifth anniversary! During those five years, we have lived in three different places, had two children, went through some college, went to two churches, made new friends, lost some old ones...We have practically "grown up" together in the last five years.

Life can be extremely difficult when you worry about pleasing everyone. Because, that's impossible. God is first. He is the only one who really should be concerned about pleasing. Then the rest will fall into place. 

Lately I have been emotionally exhausted. We have been going through a lot. Just because God puts you through something, doesn't mean it's not going to be hard. He won't give you something that you're not able to handle. 

Luke and I have been there for each other. I feel like he has been there more for me than I have for him. In a marriage, you have to work hard and try, even when you don't feel like it. Luke is trying to teach me that. Even after five years, I am still learning...and I'll keep learning. After all, we are changing. Seems like very frequently. A lot of times for me, after a long day with the kids, I don't have any energy left to converse and take care of Luke. And that's where I need to try harder. But yet, he still treats me so sweet. He is always teaching me. Even when I'm being horrible (oooh yessss I can be horrible) lol, he shows me how much he cares about me. I love his soft side. He's just incredible. I am so glad it's him. I can't imagine not having him to lead me through life. It scares me sometimes thinking about, "What if it was someone else going through this with me?" #1 We probably wouldn't be going through some of the things we have been through, and #2 I guarantee you, I wouldn't have the peace and joy I feel inside.

On Friday, our anniversary, I knew something was off that day. I was getting stressed out, because things weren't going the way I had planned. But we got through the day, and we were supposed to travel to Tennessee late that night.

I knew something wasn't right as the night went on. The next morning, we packed up, and we left for Tennessee. I felt so drained and lightheaded. I was so not up for this. I was so on edge. Every little thing seemed to set me off. I was bleeding very heavily Friday night, into Saturday morning. I knew it was NOT normal. I didn't want to say anything to Luke, because I felt like I needed to wait. Finally, after we made a stop for lunch, I came back from the bathroom and got in the van. I said to Luke,

 "I'm miscarrying."

 He said, "What?" Almost like he wanted to make sure he heard me right. I said it again, but this time I couldn't hold the tears back. I think it's something that you never think will happen to you. All I can really remember is Luke saying that he loved me. That kept echoing though my head..."I love you, Autumn." And he held my hand. 

We did not know we were expecting. Whether it was an "accident" or not, we were still going to have a baby. Something in me feels like some people think, just because the pregnancy wasn't announced first, that it is not as big of a deal. I'm not talking about length of time in the womb. I'm talking about knowing before the miscarriage. The end result would still be a baby in my arms. 

After five years, after ups and downs, Luke is even more loving and caring toward me. And I am so thankful.  I am so thankful to have him. I'm so thankful he's mine. 

Luke, if you read this, know that I love you with all my heart. 💕

Mother Like Mine (Part 3)

Seems like when I am really low, I can reach down into the deep, hurting parts of my heart and pull those emotions right out. I've been a little transparent with how I've been feeling lately. It's just a time in my family's life that we have to go through. Honestly, it sucks. I really wished things could just be easy. But a lot of times, God makes us go through hard things for a reason. And I know we will be thankful for it.
In case you think I have given up on writing about my mom, you're wrong. Lol Sorry! I feel like I have to be at a certain spot emotionally to write about this. It's really not easy. I don't just want to state facts. I want to tell a story. And tell a story I shall....
Friday, August 10, 2007. Kim (my step-mom now) took my sister and some friends to her friend's gorgeous river house about an hour away. That place was like something out of a magazine right on the river. My friends and I swam in the river, laid out to tan on the dock, watched a movie, and had a BLAST!!! It was such a fun day!! The day before, Thursday, I was at my dad's work when my mom came in to the dealership. I hadn't really heard from her or seen her in a long time. I remember sitting on the couch when she walked in. She was happy to see me. I wasn't too sure if I was equally happy to see her. I was just kind of curious why she was there. She was all smiles and told me she missed me and she was so happy to see me. I was pretty calm and just nice to her. Not thrilled to see her exactly. She told me she had plans to go to a friend's house Friday night and go swimming and just hang out. She was pretty excited. Then she went on to tell me how sorry she was for everything. She apologized for her abuse of pain medication. She apologized for not being there for me always. She apologized for leaving. She apologized for how she treated me. She apologized for not making better choices. She knew what she did. She told me how much she loved me, and she said one day hopefully I would understand and forgive her. I was kind of thrown off by all the sincerity in her eyes and voice. I did forgive her. But I thought maybe this was just her apologizing again to get me to like her. She had several times before through letters to me. Something was different though. She gave me a huge hug. It was a little longer than most hugs, and I hugged her back. There was something about feeling her body in my arms...my mother...for the last time. I didn't know that, but I felt something different. That embrace felt so right. As if all my bad feelings toward her left my body, and all her motherly love flooded into my heart. I tried to hold back tears after I saw her tear-filled eyes. She smiled really big with her thin lips. And it was so loving. That afternoon she talked to my dad too. I waited on the couch in the waiting area while they were in his office. I wondered what she had to say to him, and why she felt the need to say it right now. He later told me she apologized to him too. I don't remember everything he told me she said. But then just like that, she left the building.
The next morning we headed off to the river house. There was hardly any reception where we were, so I had no reason to look at my phone all day, really. Later that night, I saw that a couple of calls from my mom didn't come through. I had voicemail from her, so I stepped outside to listen to it. I didn't bother trying to call her back. Oh how I wish I would've. She told me in the voicemail message that she hoped I was having fun (because I told her our plans for that day). She talked on about school coming up and really unimportant things. She told me, "I love you so much baby girl." And when it was over, I deleted it. I wish to God I hadn't. I remember swimming in the river with my friend that day, and we were talking about how awful it would be to drown. Seemed like we just couldn't fathom the horror of drowning. Later that night, we watched the movie "The Perfect Man," wih Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear. We kept saying how much the mom looked like my mom!! Then we went to sleep that night, and I had an AWFUL sunburn. I hurt so badly. The next day we woke up and got ready to go to the church for teen soul winning. I looked like a lobster. I was so afraid of what people would think of my burning red face! Lol!! When we got back to the church from soul winning, I got a call from my dad. I was vacuuming one of the nursey rooms, because we always cleaned the church buildings every Saturday when we got back.  He told me Mary was on her way to pick me up, and we were to head straight to the emergency room. And he hung up. I was so confused. I thought maybe one of my grandparents had passed away!! My granddaddy had been in the hospital several times with severe operations. I saw my sister pull up, and I got in. She said she thought maybe it was Granddaddy too. It was such a confusing, nerve wrecking ride to the Emergency Room. We went inside and asked for my dad. I can just imagine the confused looks on our faces. We knew it was about to be something bad. I remember searching for faces I recognized. No one yet. We turned a corner, and I see my dad. Finally. Then I think I recognized a few other people. But I didn't know their names. Dad's eyes were red. He didn't really know what to say. There were men in navy blue collared shirts standing with him. They told all 3 of us to step in this small room. I was STILL confused. Somebody tell me!!!! A man sat across from my sister and me, and Dad sat on a chair facing the side of the couch Mary and I were sitting on. I don't remember everything the man said, a few phrases stick out. My heart was beating so loudly. He said that there had been an accident. There was a body found in an above ground pool around 10:30 that morning. He said they identified the body as Marian Arnold (my mother's maiden name). Shock. Complete and utter shock. As the man began to tell us that the body was somewhere for an autopsy, my sister and I just burst into tears. Uncontrollable. And I remember the look on my dad's face as he watched us cry. He was heartbroken for us. All three of us had been through so much with this woman, and now she was gone forever. I wondered if there was relief for him...and even for my sister and I. Our preacher at that time said he couldn't marry Kim, unless something were to happen to my mom. Now he was free of that. It crossed my mind. "I want to see her!!" I demanded! The man said he couldn't let me see her. She had been in the water too long. She had been just floating around in the pool, like she always liked to do, and she had been drinking. As told from a person there at the house that night, everyone was going inside. She said she wanted to stay out a little longer, and told them to go ahead. I really am unsure if she passed out from medicine or if she fell asleep. But they found her in the pool around the next morning, after searching for her for a while. The man at the ER said that her body was discolored from being in the water so long. Let me tell you...I don't know how many times my imagination painted a picture of what her face and body looked like after being in the water that whole time. It would pop up in nightmares, in the classroom...it haunted me. I still insisted to see her, and they said no. It would be a closed casket. Leaving the ER that day was a shock. I was in shock for a long time. I remember standing in front of the casket at my mom's viewing. Mom was right there. Dead. Body distorted and cold. Never coming back. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Was this really happening?
To be continued....
P.S. A person's death is not over at the funeral or anywhere near that time. It lasts.